It’s tragically ironic to me that I started writing a book about how to find fulfillment in our life journey prior to entering my own season of really disliking my life. I never thought I’d dislike my life. It seems immensely ungrateful to admit or even type out that I wouldn’t like my life.
There are plenty of aspects in my life I’m sure other people would love to be added to their world, yet still at the end of the day my inability to find fulfillment in gratefulness has left me fiercely disappointed and sad and unsure how to engage in my life as-is. I’d prefer to not live so keenly aware of my heart, I know it’s not always right. I’ve heard it said and probably said it myself during my ministry years that we should be so grateful Jesus saved us from hell that we simply have life. Regardless of if nothing else happened, his gift of salvation should be enough, right?
Hopefully you can absorb today’s honesty with the knowledge that I am very aware I’m probably a small bit irrational, emotional, zoned in today’s reality instead of what I’m unaware that lies in the future….and mostly just in the middle of a new place I didn’t want to be in. I keep repeating to myself “Today is not forever”. How awesome those words are to say, hear and type for this heart. Unfortunately it hasn’t made today any less real….yet.
So in the midst of a season that has left my heart so raw around the clock – I’m asking the Lord to show me what true fulfillment in Him is. I thought I knew. Clearly, not so much …or not in this way or at this depth. I’ve been so reluctant in asking him for this answer this past week, because I haven’t wanted some kind of lack-there-of to force me to find the answer. Sometimes it is in new brokenness we find he takes us to new places with him. It’s in our need that the solution becomes tangible. I’m not sure where we are going and I don’t really even know that I want to go there…but I do believe we’re still on our way and I won’t regret it once I arrive. History has taught me that he’s only brought me sweet places.
A journey is full of many things. The Lord knew we’d experience a wide range of emotions in life and he didn’t create us void of reactions or responses. He gave us the ability to feel and respond to life. I don’t think I have won any awards on my responses ….except maybe an honorable mention. You know the stupid ribbon you get for just being present, I’d get one of those for simply remaining present in life. I always thought those were so stupid growing up because I felt it devalued the people who actually won a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place position.
I’ve changed my mind.
Sometimes we need to celebrate that we made it through the day. Tears or no tears. Smiles or not. We did make it and there is power is moving forward- even if it’s one inch at a time. It’s still movement and we will be able to look back and see that sometimes we will run or sprint in our journey, but there will be days sprinkled throughout that are more of a walk…or crawl- inching our way through. Those are still precious days no matter how hard they are. And if the greatest accomplishment of this day is that I made it to end – tired from wrestling my emotions all day – and I can go to sleep with the promise that Joy will come in the morning- then someone pass me a blue ribbon.
Here’s to giving myself one of those lame honorable mention awards today. Through tears and disappointment, I’m still moving. I’ve known quite clearly this was going to be a very different year for me, I didn’t (don’t) know what it would look like and I don’t know how I’m going to navigate it, but whether it’s a crawl…or a sprint- I am going to keep moving.
Hopefully, you have no idea about anything I’m referencing and your journey has only graced you with faith and hope filled days, but if not and you’re in a season of inching your way to the next season…then here’s a ribbon for you too. We’re going to make it. And somehow…someway….we’re going to appreciate the trenches we made in the process.